Jul 10 2011
HIDEOUS FIRST (AND LAST) DATES
Greetings, Cool Peeps:
Just in case any of you were wondering if I was going to share more dating horror stories, alas, yes. Enough time has passed, I hope, so that I can recall some nightmarish first (and last!) dates without reliving the abject horror of each experience.
Let me start with Rodney. I met him at a July Fourth picnic given by a professional colleague, who, to say the least, was on the uptight, old money side. I was miserable at the get-together, so when I met a happy-go-lucky guy with a Spuds MacKenzie bull terrier (whom everyone but me wished would disappear), I was all too happy to spend time with him. He was such a breath of fresh air that I failed to remember that fresh air can get stale quickly.
Two weeks later, I met him at a local straunt, clueless that I was going not only to have a ghastly evening, but also to suffer public mortification. I had suggested Thai Gardens, but he chose Dick’s Steak House. To put it delicately, Rodney was an “enthusiastic” eater. He ordered Manhattan clam chowder as an appetizer, and three spoonfuls into it, his tie became submerged in the soup. He continued to chat lively, while I sat there frozen-faced, trying to pretend that several customers and most of the servers hadn’t all noticed. Finally, a male server came by and asked Rodney if he would like some more soup with his tie.
Rodney looked down at his soup bowl, looked at me, and said: “Oh, ha ha. I guess I was in the mood for Thai food after all.” I’ll move to the next date. Trust me, peeps, it only went downhill from there.
Looks aren’t everything. I learned that lesson fast the night I agreed to have dinner with Mr. Boring. I have never in my life had a fellow human being fill my head with more useless, mind-numbing, complex pieces of meaningless information in my life. “Conversation” with him was like talking to a brick wall. He wasn’t interested in my stories (which were quite scintillating) and I sure wasn’t interested in his. No, I do not care how you like your shirts laundered. I do not care that your boss and his wife disagreed on the naming of their twin boys. I do not care that your coworker is an advocate for gluten-free living or that your mother has 1500 Hummel statues, all displayed in her living room.
This man was the most insufferable yawn I had ever encountered in my life. As he finished his coffee, drinking slowly as he told me all about his neighbor’s new barbecue grill, I ticked away the seconds until he would take that last sip and I would be set free. When the server came over, I thought she was going to leave the check, and all would be right with the world.
She winked at me and turned to him. “More coffee?” she asked, filling his cup without waiting for a response. I wanted to die right there on the spot. But unfortunately, I lived. Forty-five minutes later, when I told Mister Boring I had a migraine and had to go home, those were the truest words I had ever spoken. Moving right along . . .
Everyone knows someone who is calculator happy at restaurants, right? It can be downright embarrassing when a dinner partner performs a stringent financial breakdown when the check comes, frantically punching numbers until the calculator says, “Stop, you’re hurting me!”
Peeps, I was lucky enough to avoid this humiliation. I met a man who liked to whip it out (his calculator) right after ordering dinner. Oh, yes, having a man stress over the dollar value of your meal really whets your appetite. I ended this nightmare quickly. With a smile on my face, I called over the server, canceled my dinner order, wished him and his number cruncher a lovely dinner, and went home and snuggled up with my favorite boy, my knight in shining fur, Captain Jack.
He actually called me the next day to ask me why I left.
Tell me, peeps, have you had first dates so awful that you’ve had to run from them? Please share; I love hearing your stories.
See you next week.
Yours in pickiness,
Molly
Hi Molly,
First dates is kinda limited with me as I think it was my second date that I married the guy 😀 What can I say…. Second time lucky hey!
The first date was weird because I met this guy down the beach but then he went away for 12 months. Many letters followed and things were pretty groovy. When he returned, we went out on our first official date to the movies- strangely enough I cannot recall the movie we saw~ insert eye flutter here~. After that he took me home and we said our goodbyes. I was pretty happy I have to say. I NEVER heard from him again ? Nothing.??????? WTF did I do (or not do). Tore me up for a long time. But as it turns out it was meant to be.
Thanks for another cool blog. I really could picture the waitress giving you grief. It really was a laugh-out-loud moment.
Hoping I have succeeded in my quest for first place 😀
Thanks Molly xx
Lisa:
Oh, my. How often I have wondered what my life would have been like had I been fortunate enough to find the right guy so quickly. It worked for my sister Hannah, and it’s not that she’s not discerning, but I was born destined to sift through the masses of men the way some people go through thousands of color swatches trying to pick out the right paint for their living room.
Love hearing from you. Always a pleasure, g/f.
YIP,
Molly
Hi Molly,
I cannot think of the number of times I have managed to go to a party which I did not want to be at, and find myself talking to a lovely lady who captured my attention at the time, only to find that when i take her on a date, she is a complete DEAD SHIT (Thats an Aussie-ism for very boring, much like your friend Rodney :P)
I once went for a dinner with a very nice girl on a date, only to find that dinner took 3 hours, purely cos she was concentrating more on talking about herself then she was about eating. Oh and the whole time she did one thing which absolutely killed me. While eating, she would get food on her fork, and then mid sentence, she would point it at me. WTF? thats kinda feral 😛 Long story short, dinner finished and i dropped her straight home hahaha
As for human calculators, I don’t know about other guys, but on a date I think a guy should be a little chivalrous. And im not saying that as some kind of chauvinistic pig, but there is nothing wrong with treating your date to a lovely dinner. Even if it is the date from hell 😛 The way I see it, if a guy is tight on a date, he will be tight in all aspects of the relationship, so it is kinda doomed from the start 😛
Oh and I’m with you Molly, nothing kills a date quicker than a sloppy eater. That’s just impolite and disgusting
Best of luck with your future dates Molly and everyone 😀
James
Hey James:
You are freakin’ hysterical! No woman could accuse you of being boring. As for boring, you’re referring to Mr. Brick Wall, and he truly was one of the most, if not “the” most boring man I’ve ever met. Honestly, James, I’m still trying to figure out what he was given such extreme good looks only to be merged with that personality. I’m sorry, did I say PERSONALITY? He had none.
Rodney, with his soup in the tie, was not so much boring as mortifying to be seen in public with.
As for Mr. Calculator, I’ve been known to treat a man or even go Dutch on a casual date. But wow, this dude whipped it out (his calculator) after we ordered the meal. I’m ready to sip my Cabernet and he’s punching numbers, silently asking himself, “How much is this going to cost me?” Can you imagine the misery he’ll inflict on the woman he eventually marries — if he ever marries?
I was in a no-nonsense mood that night — thank God — I bolted fast! Another night, I might have endured the pain.
Always FAB to hear from you!
Yours in pickiness,
Molly
Ah Molly,
Most of us have suffered through the torturous first dates scenario, making idle small talk while the clock ticks ever so slowly. An evening which I would prefer to forget was with, Ms X. A friend (no longer) suggested the two of us should go out for a date, and we both agreed.
We arranged to meet at a popular entertainment venue. The first two hours were enjoyable as we chatted about music, books, and alike. I did notice that she certainly enjoyed a drink. Fast track three hours, Ms X was escorted out by management for removing the leaves from a fake tree. Not prepared to go quietly, she hurled verbal abuse, which could be heard by all patrons, including me. I tried to explain to an angry mob of bouncers that she was with me and all will be fine. I was strongly advised that we were no longer welcome and never to return again.
I honoured their wishes, and to this day, never returned. I did hear through a network of mutual friends that Ms X had a great night, weird!
Loved this weeks post Molly, great to be able to share.
Stuart 🙂
Stuart:
What a gentlemen you are! I could so visualize the scene you painted as if it were in a movie? Oh yes, after I have a drink or two, I, too like to pluck leaves from faux foliage — NOT! How chivalrous of you to stand with her as she hurled expletives.
I would pleaded with management that I was stuck on a disastrous first date and would sign in blood that I had no more association with that person as of that moment.
What a funny story. So glad you found Miss Right!
Thanks for sharing!
YIP,
Molly
Ye gods, Molly . . . are you lurking in my closet somewhere, listening/watching as my life unfolds? One tragic tale I’d add is a man who was on his cell phone throughout our lunch date. No, he wasn’t a doctor or some other kind of professional who just couldn’t bear to be away from his office for even an hour. . .. he was a manager of a photography lab, trying to look indispensable, I suppose. . . . . .
Check!
Hey Caroline:
OMG! I’m surprised the straunt didn’t throw your date out for being on the phone.
Yes, what a turn on to listen to a man conduct business during your date . . .not! If it’s vital, I understand — stuff happens and there are calls we all need to make. But your date sounded like an oblivious jerk! That’s the kind of dude who, if he ever got hitched, would probably have the ceremony right in his photography lab so he wouldn’t have to miss any developing activity. I hope digital photography didn’t hurt his precious business. Ha ha.
Great story.
YIP,
Molly
I haven’t had any first dates in a while but I remember one, eons ago, at my very first school party back in Switzerland. Our all-girl school got invited by an all-boy school (at the time segregation of the sexes still existed in some of the schools in Switzerland–don’t ask me how old I am!) for a dance evening. Now, I put on my best dress, experimented with a very subdued make-up (my mom wouldn’t have allowed anything more striking) and took the train to the city (yes, public transporation, guys). The evening was a total disaster, because from the very beginning, I was hijacked by this overweight, heavily prespiring young man, who insisted on every dance with me and accompanied me to the train station afterwards (he was a real gentlman). I was mortified.
Looking back at it, I have to admit I still feel sorry for that young boy, who tried so hard to please me, who did everything right (except monopolizing my whole evening). I hope by now he is happily married to a great woman, has a few children and plenty of grand-children.
Great post, Molly!
Christa
Hey Christa:
I can picture it all so vividly. Honestly, I would much rather go out with a jerk (like Mr. Calculator) who I can walk away from, than be with someone who is actually nice and trying hard but just NOT a person I want to be with. I’m feeling your mortification; I’ve been there.
Hopefully, he stopped perspiring, trimmed down, and as you suggested, is married with family and grand kids. Maybe it was just your beauty that made him sweat. 🙂
Great comment!
Thanks so much for stopping by!
YIP,
Molly
That’s hilarious! And important…I know now to keep my tie out of my soup, and to stash the Hummel figurines when a date comes over.
Hey Tom:
You’re a funny guy. Yes, please, keep your tie out of your soup. If that doesn’t work, don’t wear a tie or don’t order soup. Having had you as my special interview guest, I’m guessing you’ve got more of your oil paintings (aka “etchings” 🙂 in your home than Hummels.
Thanks for stopping by! Great to see you again.
Yours in pickiness,
Molly
Hi Molly —-
Your blog gives me such a relief from the insanity that is everyday life! (Plus lots of giggles to boot!) It reminds me that I”m not the only one who goes through these things, thank the good lord! . .. I can’t wait till your book comes out!!
Hey Leigh Ann:
So glad you enjoyed this week’s blog. Why am I thinking you must have a few (beaucoup) bad date stories in your life’s book? Who doesn’t?
Believe me, I can’t wait until my book comes out, either. Then, I’ll really be spilling my freakin’ guts. Hope you’re prepared.
YIP,
Molly
Molly,
It has been so long since I have been on a first date! But I do recall a first date where everything that could go wrong went wrong…..starting out with Date forgot his wallet so I had to pay for the meal, and on the way home, guess what…we ran out of gas, and guess who paid to fill the tank up….once again great topic!
Sheei
Hey Sheri:
You know, I’ve often wondered how many guys “forget” their wallet on their date. Seriously, girlfriend, I know way too many peeps who have that same story to share. And not just men, either. There used to be a woman I knew who always forgot her wallet when she’d go out with friends. It was SO lame. People who forget their wallets PAY BACK other people. Peeps who “forget” their wallets, never do. This shewhoshallnotbenamed, from what I hear, is kinda friendless these days. Oh, am I digressing?
Back to your date — I hope you didn’t fill up his entire tank, did you? Tell me you didn’t marry the guy! 🙂
Always love hearing from you, Sheri,
YIP,
Molly
Oopps Typo on my own name..laughing too hard at the memory…it is SHERI LOL
Hi Molly —-
How did you know? Beaucoup is right! Just like every other human on the planet, huh?
One of the saddest things I can recall seeing in recent memory related to amorous pursuits involved my son and me getting our eats on at our favorite Mexican straunt. I was trying hard not to stare, but it was difficult not to notice this very sad, middle-aged man who was sitting at a booth near the door, looking out the window and almost compulsively checking his cell phone. One of the waiters at said establishment who I knew well said the man had been there for over 30 minutes waiting for his “blind date” to show up. Poor fella. I hate that for anyone.
Hey Leigh Ann:
Your story about the man compulsively checking for his blind date made ME wanna go there and keep him company. Well, not quite, but that really is sad. It sucks to be rejected before you even see the person. Hope there was a good reason, but that is sad. 🙁
Love hearing from you.
YIP,
Molly
Oh Molly!
You make me smile every time! 🙂 I can’t wait to read all about you this fall. You truly have a one of a kind, winning personality! I had a boyfriend a long time ago who didn’t mind me paying for EVERYTHING, and he made no attempt at hiding it. Thankfully, I wised up, and took him back to his mother’s house, and asked her to take her son back. 🙂 You rock!
Racheal
Hey Rae:
Love hearing from you. Thanks for all the good words. This girl can use them. Ha ha! Glad you wised up on your ex. Nobody likes a cheapskate — male or female. I wonder if the dude is still where you left him — with his mom!
Thanks for a great comment,
YIP,
Molly