Jun 12 2011
TEN WACKO THINGS I DO
Greetings, Cool Peeps:
Do you ever wonder about yourself? Do you ever look in the mirror and say, “Are you freakin’ kidding me?” For those who have ever pondered their own behavior, I’m coming clean with ten wacko things I do or have done. I won’t be doing them David Letterman countdown style because I couldn’t possibly rate these acts in terms of wackiness.
1. I like to test beauty products in stores. Being a lotion freak, I scan the shelves looking for the bottle labeled Tester and I go to town. More than once, I have had complete duh-you-moron moments when I have squeezed big wads of soap into my hands. Soap, as if you didn’t know, needs to be washed off with water. Nobody wants to stand in the middle of a freakin’ store with soapy, sticky hands and no faucet to be found.
2. I have gone to restaurants or other public places, seen my own image in the glass, and said to myself, “Who is that freakin’ woman and why is she staring at me?” Yes, peeps, I truly have.
3. I have been known to try to start verbal battles with digital voices, especially those with whom I am stuck in voicemail hell. So far, not one has duked it out with me, but I’m ready for her when she does. The woman in my GPS is my arch enemy. I call her “the bitch.” There is no rhyme nor reason to the bizarre routes she chooses for me. She gives women a bad name. Because of her, I have an insane reaction to the word recalculating. I’m betting I have lots of company here.
4. I have had meltdowns looking through my closet for a favorite item of clothing only to find out that I’m wearing the freakin’ thing. I look for sunglasses when I’m wearing them, keys when I’m holding them, shoes that are on my feet, earrings in my ears, and much more. I know you can relate. You do it, too, right?
5. I look for elephants in rain puddles.
6. I’m just kidding about #5. I like to write completely absurd things just to see if people are paying attention.
7. I have seen cars on the road that look exactly like my own, and sometimes I have actually looked to see if I am driving.
8. I hope I’ve outgrown this one, but I used to get the names and addresses of random people from the phone book before going out of town on a trip. I would then send them a postcard once I got to my destination, saying how much I wish they were with me and what a great time I was having. I would end it by signing a fake name and smudging it. I just loved wondering about peeps’ reactions. I mean, did they stay up all freakin’ night wondering who sent it? Did they ask everyone they knew if they had sent it?
9. I have locked my keys in the car more than once. Don’t you just hate sitting behind the steering wheel waiting for someone to open the freakin’ door?
10. I often put perfume on before having my photo taken. Yes, I know it is lame and I know that it does not make the photo smell of my fave scent. But in my head, I feel like it makes me prettier. And when I feel prettier, I smile more. How about you?
Okay, I’ve just spilled my guts here. Please, tell me about some of the wacko things you do. Anyone have any habits like mine? Lisa, Janet, Talatha, Caroline, Leigh Ann, Sheri, Stuart, Harriet, Carolyn, Rebecca, Caroline, James, and everyone else out there — I’m talking to you! ☺
See you next week!
Yours in pickiness,
Molly
Ha! Glad I am not the only one.
I have frequent Verbal Arguments with the Self-Checkout (U-Scan) at the Grocery Store. She doesn’t listen to me at all. She tells me to put items in the bag that I haven’t even scanned….so I’m like..”Okay!!” (Free stuff!)
I HAVE many times tried to open the doors of cars that look just like mine…One time the lady who owned the car that I thought was mine was walking right behind me. She went to my car and thought mine was hers. True story. We laughed our butts off when we realized what we were doing.
I ALWAYS walk up to my apt. door and click the Un-Lock Button that is on my car key thingy…..I actually stand there and wonder why it won’t open. Duh! I do the same thing when I walk up to the mailbox…..it won’t open either.
I have squirted shampoo up nose several times because I have to smell every single one before I can decide. (As if they change from one time to the next…I always buy the same kinds.) Hmm….
I was making brownies one day and literally sprayed the pan with “SPOT SHOT” Carpet Stain Remover. One of the kids had thought it was “Pam” and put it in the baking cupboard. Good thing I realized it didn’t smell right or we may all very well be dead.
When my daughter was a newborn I was so sleep-deprived that I woke up early and went to brew some coffee and make her a bottle. I brewed a pot of baby formula. No…I didn’t give her a scoop of coffee in her bottle…
I thought my coffee looked funky. The cans and scoops were the same size and I was too tired to notice. I also put Orange Juice on my cereal instead of milk that same morning…but I did eat that and it wasn’t all that bad. LOL
One time my husband sent me to the deli at the grocery store to make a big salad for him at the Salad Bar. I did. When I got home he said, “Where’s my salad?” I said, “Oh sh**!” I had forgotten it, I guess. So I hopped in the car and headed to the store. The salad was all over Rt. 73…….talk about a tossed salad. I guess I put it on the roof of the car while I opened the door …ya THINK??
Oh!! And yesterday, I microwaved NOTHING for 7 minutes. I thought I set the timer.
And the other day I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t see when I put my contacts in. I realized that I had forgotten to take the OLD contacts OUT before I put the new contacts IN. That was a TRIP. “Six Eyes!!”
I’m sure there’s more….just can’t think of them.
Well, hey Betsy:
You are a woman after my own wacky heart. I’m hearing you on the self-checkout thing. OMG, I tried that a couple times and gave up. First time, the thing pretty much accused me of not scanning an item and the next time gave me the freakin’ silent treatment when I tried to enter the code for a freakin’ red onion. I couldn’t help but notice that there is a person always stationed at the self-help registers to help the customers from going stark raving mad. I’d rather wait in a longer line and read magazines.
Trying to zap my apartment door with my car thingy — OMG — I’m so with you there. I have lost count of how many times I’ve done that.
OMG — I don’t wear contacts, but I did not know you could even put old contacts on top of new ones. Girlfriend, that is just scary.
That is hilarious about the tossed salad all over the road. Once, I stopped in at a 7-11 to get a cup of coffee and as I was holding the cup and getting back into my car, a friend called my name. So, I put the coffee cup on the roof of my car and started blabbing away. Next thing I remember, I’m driving to my next destination and something dark and ugly comes pouring down my windshield. I was like, “Are you freakin’ kidding me?” As soon as I put on the windshield wipers to get the coffee off, the cup got stuck on the top of one of the wipers and was going back and forth. I was on a major road and there was nowhere to pull over. People in other cars were laughing and pointing. I was so embarrassed, but the worst thing was that I never got my coffee, and that put Molly in a very bad mood.
Loved your stories, Betsy. You are a trip, g/f.
Yours in pickiness,
Molly
Molly this is so crazy. I swear I have encountered many situations like this. Oh my god. I remember one time I was at a local store looking for an outfit, but I needed directions to the correct department, so I asked the first person I saw. Well, Molly it turned out to be a good-looking mannequin. She looked real to me, but the only thing was the bitch did not answer. So I started a fight and the mannequin won.
I find myself locking my husband out of the car the minute he steps foot out. Well Molly, it’s like this, why get both, when you can get just one…
( laughing) sorry who has a better chance of driving away?
I been in my car, and seen someone with the exact car, and thought they just stole mine. The head rush we get on the streets!
Hey Talatha:
It’s just amazing how you cool peeps are reminding me of all the crazy things I didn’t put in the blog. I’ll admit it, I have spoken to a mannequin thinking she was a shopper standing in the way. I was headed for the register with an arm full of clothing, holding bags from other stores, trying to keep the shoulder strap from my purse on my shoulder, and I couldn’t figure out why this other shopper was just standing there and not even budging when I said “Excuse me!” for the fourth time. It wasn’t until I saw some women laughing that I knew. I was so embarrassed. If I hadn’t wanted those items in a big way, I would have left everything there and walked away. OMG, I so relate.
YIP,
Molly
Ok, I’m not going to make the same mistake as last week — I”m getting in early this time!
#1: I used to work @ JCPenny and would have to periodically fill in for random departments as needed. Often, this would include “cosmetics,” which was just an $5 version of walmart’s cologne case. Anyhoo — Same as you, I couldn’t resist sampling everything. I was 16-18 at the time and still living at home at the time. My ‘rents could always tell when I had been working in that dept. b/c I’d come home reeking of a french bordello . . . every inch of my arm had a different attempt at a scent . . . . rancid stuff, I’m sayin’ . . .
#3: Lord have mercy —- the GPS woman — if there was not a mute button on that thing, it would have gone out the window a long time ago. Instructions be damned; her voice is ingratiating.
#4: Reminds me of a college prof I had in Journalism school. She had just finished teaching a large section of about 100 students and panicked, thinking she had left her reading glasses behind. She goes back into the lecture hall where the cleaning crew was already trying to clear the room. She asks one guy if he would help her look for her glasses and he reluctantly said yes, although giving her some very strange looks. They looked for the glasses without success and it wasn’t until she returned to her office that she realized —- her glasses were on top of her head!!!!
#9: I have a keyless entry fob for my old worn out vehicle. However, it also has a red “panic” button that sets off the horn whenever held down. Recently, my 2-y-o and I were in a “Messican” restaurant when all the sudden we hear all of this commotion outside. It would periodically stop, then restart again, in no apparent sequence. I was getting irritated at the noise, as I really wanted to enjoy my meal in peace and this honking was interfering w/my down time. It wasn’t until the hostess in said restaurant asked me if my vehicle was the one going ape$h!t that I realized — my kid had gotten my key fob and was pressing the panic button . . . .. . so much for a peaceful meal.
#10: Yes. Same for wearing sexy underwear, even though no one else will see it but you . . .
Gosh, so much more to say, but I’m (seriously) getting my ID badge made where I work and I need to primp. Which includes putting on some “bug spray” (perfume). Sigh . . ..
Leigh Ann:
Hey g/f! I am so LOL at your perfume story. I still have to stop myself from spraying every bottle in the store on my arm. I love a good scent and it is second nature for me to grab a bottle and spray. I know better now, but I could so easy be a “bordello babe” just like you. Here’s what really tweaks me. Have you ever been shopping in a department store and wanted to spray yourself with just ONE awesome scent before going your merry way? Have you ever found that there will be some uppity salesperson standing right by the bottle you want, giving you the loudest “Can I help you?” you’ve ever heard? I used to be intimidated by that. No more. I just spray away. And when they ask me if I want to purchase a bottle, I tell them that I couldn’t possibly know how I liked the scent until I’ve worn it for a day.
Your stories are hilarious — so glad you shared with us.
YIP,
Molly
Hi Molly,
Thank you for your thoroughly enjoyable post this week. I usually just hide away in the background and ‘like’ everything but this week you have highlighted some issues I thought were unique to me. Now I feel normal 😀 so thank you.
I will share one of my wacky behaviours with you that maybe, kinda isn’t that normal.
I have a thing with Google Earth 😀 Admittedly I DO use it extensively for work- No really -I DO! However, whenever a family member or bestest-friend-ever goes away on a holiday, I have to not only track their flight in ‘realtime’, but also see where they are going and staying with ‘street view’. I must state here folks that I ONLY do this for my family and friend- No one else, well, maybe a few but that’s it.
My son went overseas on his first trip away and I even watched a youtube of a similar flight landing at the same time and place as he was landing. ( This I agree was obsessive and extreme for me but it WAS his first overseas flight and he was only 15 at the time AND I wasn’t there with him. I can see all you moms out there nodding, understandable yep).
I also collect egg cartons but that is something entirely normal.
Thanks again Molly
Shakira
PS. Where abouts in Swansea are you 😀
Hey Molly,
So great to read this weeks Post hahahaha you crack me up woman! You have a LOT of issues I see LOL I would have thought maybe one or two but SOO many you have! WOW!
I was going to share my one slightly wacky thing I do but now I forget it hahahahaha
Don’t you just hate that – Damn. I will have to come back on when I remember it.
Later Gator
Lis
Well, hey, Lisa:
Yeah, I’m so sure you can’t remember the one wacky thing you do. Maybe you have so many wacko things in your repertoire that you just can’t choose. I know a sister gal when I see one — you’ve got a treasure trove of stories, for sure. Can’t fool me, g/f.
YIP,
Molly
These are great! I love the one about the GPS system. (Mine drove me around and around a parking lot and almost got me in an accident.) Also love the postcard one and #9, which I believe to be a variant of a blonde joke. Is it? Well done!
Hey Rob:
It would not surprise me at all to know that a GPS got someone into an accident. Those things are freakin’ crazy. One day I was out driving to meet a source for a story and I swear the “woman” had been on the sauce. She couldn’t even freakin’ pronounce the street names. I thought for a moment I was being Punk’d or something — it was totally bizarre.
Well, I’m not a blonde and I really did send the postcards, but I can see a blonde joke coming out of that. Like the blonde who sent herself a postcard and spent a week trying to figure out who it was from. No offense, of course, to any NATURAL blondes. 😀 Great to hear from you, Rob Dinsmoor! And thanks again for interviewing with me several weeks back. If peeps missed your interview, I hope they’ll check it out in my INTERVIEWS section. You tell some great stories.
YIP,
Molly
Hey Molly,
What fun this Post is. I feel it is going to be like a confessional!
I remember one time I was cooking a roast with roast potatoes. I was chatting to my partner at the time. I took the roast potatoes out of the oven and decided to baste the potatoes with the left over pan juices I had set aside. Still chatting, I proceeded to baste away. Then my partner was looking at me oddly and said, ‘Should I be seeing what I am seeing?’ I’m like, ‘What do you mean?’ as I continue to baste. He says, ‘ Should I being seeing what you are doing?’ ‘What are you talking about?’ I said, continuing to baste ( There were quite a few potatoes). He said, ‘Look at what you are basting with’. I suddenly realized I was basting the potatoes with the left over pan juices I had poured into the dogs dishes for their dinners.
Oops 😀
Still can’t believe I did that!
Thanks Molly for another great post. You’re awesome!
OMG, Harriet:
So spill, g/f. Did you serve those potatoes to your guests? Too much. Sounds like your dogs are quite well fed, though.
Funny!
YIP,
Molly
Hi Molly,
I forgot to tell you earlier, I love to test all the perfumes on the counter, that way just maybe I will have enough on for another time. I know… nasty.
#2 Seeing myself in a a mirror, it reminds me of the good old days at the circus.
#3 That GPS woman just talks way to much for me. All she says is recalculating, recalculating, and then she gets really pissed off, and shouts down to me when I need her most. Then she says that awful word.
You really know how to bring the beast out of me. Thank you Molly for another wonderful blog. I can really relate.
Talatha
I have been known to drive around the town round-about just for the fun of it, and just because it was a new thing to me. I loved the one about locking the keys in the car, sitting at the steering wheel, waiting for someone to open the door! That was great!
Molly, you are too funny! I can relate to you.
Deb
Hey Debbie:
How nice of you to stop by, g/f. It’s funny you should mention driving around your own town. You know, when you’re not going anywhere in particular and your mind isn’t racing with all the stuff you should be doing, it’s amazing the new stuff you can see right in your own “back yard.”
Hope to see you again soon.
Yours in pickiness,
Molly
Well, hey Shakira,
Jazzed to meet you. I love Google Earth. I use it at work but wouldn’t have thought to track flights with it. But I have a funny story about “street view.” A friend of mine was looking at street view once to show someone where she was going to live when she moved in with her b/f. Well, standing in front of the building was her b/f and he was kissing another woman. He was so into the kiss that I guess he didn’t notice the Google car coming down the street photographing him. The woman he was kissing was a co-worker of his, who he met after my friend was dating him, so she knew for a fact he had been cheating (and turns out still was) when the Google car came by. Needless to say, she never did move in with him. Google is great in some surprising ways, you know!
Where in Swansea am I? It’s a small town, g/f. I’m every freakin’ where! 🙂
YIP,
Molly
YES 😀 ( but I never touched the bowls while basting) LOL
The Potatoes were a huge hit too hahahaha
Molly,
OMG !!! You really started my week off on a good note…to everyone..I am still laughing as I read this…I too have so Many…so I will pick my top three!
1) I talk to my computer, actually I am talking to her right now…
2) I name my cars…yes women do it to..actually right now I am driving my “turd”
3) I have to “face” my money in my wallet..yep that is right..all faces forward smallest denominations in front….
well once again you bring up a very interesting topic!
sheri
Hey Sheri:
Always a pleasure when you join the party! Oh, believe me, I have a whole lot to say to my computer. I just try to make sure to curb my enthusiastic chatter at the office; I’ve been known to embarrass myself on a couple of occasions (or MORE!) Can’t say that I name my car, though I have called my car names. ha ha. And somehow, I escaped the money thing, but believe me, I make up for it in other ways.
Thanks so much for chiming in with your stories.
YIP,
Molly
Hey Molly,
I have been cracking up over this post. Out of the 10 you have listed I do 2, 3, 4, 9 and 10. The postcard thing is awesome! Such a great idea! If you don’t mind I’m totally going to steal this idea for my next trip, which is going to be over to your part of the world.
As for other weird shit I do, I am not really sure what is weird anymore, as I have kinda come to grips with the fact that I am a little weird and ignore them now 😛
Having said that, I constantly find myself freaking out that I have lost my cell while I am talking on it, cos I can’t feel it in my pocket. Most of time time I also tell the person I am talking to on my cell that I think I have lost my cell, only for them to confusing tell me that I’m talking on it 😛
AWESOME post yet again molly, Keep them coming
James
Hey James:
OMG — do you know how many times I have done the phone freak out thing while talking on it? The last time, I was on with my BFF Claudia who knows me all too well. I said, “OMG, where is it? I just had it a minute ago!” She said, “Molly, what are you talking about?” Well, James, when the light went on inside my head, I said, “Oh, nothing, Claude.” But knowing me as she does, she said, “Oh, Molly, you were so talking about your phone!” Then she went and told the whole freakin’ universe — but she is such a bubble head and believe me, she’ll get hers.
Oh, you must try the PC thing and let me know. Of course, we don’t always know the reaction of the recipient, but it is delicious fun. (Not that I do that anymore — ha ha!)
Thanks for stopping by, James.
You rock!
YIP,
Molly
Oh boy, I relate to these wonderful and wacky comments on all levels. Yes, I too suffer from many of the above.
Always being the first to apologize when someone bumps into me, I listen intently for their apology. More often than not, I don’t receive one. With blinkers on I am in hot pursuit demanding an apology from the culprit.
I am sure you would agree Molly, we all have our favorite ‘mirror look’. Well, I am physically challenged to look straight into a mirror without going cross-eyed. Resulting in having to tilt my head on peculiar angles to catch a glimpse of my reflection. Yes, shaving my morning stubble is an absolute nightmare. The list could go on……:)
Thanks Molly, for the opportunity to share with like-minded people. 🙂
Hey there, Stuart:
Such a delightful comment from you, as always. Oh, my — “in hot pursuit demanding an apology.” Is it okay for me to say that I’m glad I’m not in the car with you? Ha ha. I hope you don’t give your poor wife a nervous breakdown. I do understand, though. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had something to say to another driver on multiple occasions.
I have to laugh at what you wrote about not being able to look into the mirror straight on — OMG! Seriously, Stuart, can you bottle that in liquid form so I can douse some guys I know with that same inability? Years ago, I dated this one super hot guy for a short time. He was way more interested at catching his own reflection than he was in me. Just the thought of transferring your little problem to him makes this girl smile. Our lives are all one big collection of stories, don’t you think?
Thanks so much for sharing.
YIP,
Molly
You’ve outdone yourself with this one! I loved it. I particularly ROTFLMAO regarding the GPS lady, though I must say that since we chose a new voice for oura, one with a nice soft accent, she’s been a lot easier to keep company with! Can’t wait for Molly to share more in the next post!
Hey there, Ilie:
I could have gone on and on about the GPS, but in the interest of not turning my blog into an essay, I kept it short. However, I must say, those freakin’ things make me nuts. One thing I will never understand is how they mispronounce a road or street, then magically correct it a bit later. I’ve had that happen numerous times. I also really hate it when they give me directions to turn after I’ve passed the street. And then, when I turn around in an attempt to correct things, “the bitch” has a real edge to her voice when she says “recalculating.” She taunts me. I dare her to come out of hiding and let me at her. I’ll “recalculate” her into next week, and then some.
Tell me this: why can’t I have a GPS that sounds like Barry White or James Earl Jones? It would make the entire experience far more palatable. Just sayin . .
Thanks for stopping by, Ilie. Great to hear from you.
Yours in pickiness,
Molly
Hi there..
1. I talk and sing to my cats. I believe they understand me and they do communicate back with meows but I still understand….(not kidding)
2. I enjoy annoying my 14 year old daughter..It just gives me pleasure in-between her drama fests..How do I annoy her? keep asking her the same question over and over and over..sing to the cats..ha
3.I talk to my car and call it baby..I plead with it to do the right thing such as not stalling and to keep running..its a 1068 it needs to be cuddled..
4. I mumble to myslef sometimes at work..what can I say..I get bored and lonley
Thats it for me in sunny Fl!!!
Hey Amy,
Nice to meet you. First, you are so right. Cats totally understand. They are brilliant. My boy, Captain Jack, is the best judge of other men there is. I don’t always listen, but he is the best judge.
Ha ha! That’s so funny about your daughter? Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Sounds like a lot of love in your home; that’s so cool.
So glad you corrected the year of your car. I’m thinking, if her car is from 1068, it doesn’t need to be cuddled, it needs to be invented.
Mumbling to yourself is something we all do. I try to remember not to mumble in public because I cannot be responsible for what I might say.
Great to meet you.
Yours in pickiness,
Molly
me again..my car is a 1969 not what i said..
omg my car is a 1968..dag..seriously
Hey Molly,
I probably have that many but cna’t think of them on the spot.
I’ve put conditioner on my hair first before I noticed.
Of course you always miss the exit you are supposed to take on the freeway
I’ve put baking soda instead of baking powder while baking cookies or is it vice versa?
You surely have called the wrong person that you wanted to talk to on the phone. Even when it’s a family member
Have you grabbed orange juice instead of milk to put in cereal early in the morning when you haven’t completely woke up yet?
I have mismatched socks getting ready for work while running late
That’s all I have for you off the top of my head. I hope that made you smile.
Roxanne
Hey Roxanne:
How nice to meet you. Thank you for commenting.
We certainly have things in common. As for conditioner on your hair — well, I have not only done that, but after thoroughly washing my hair, I have put on more shampoo thinking it is conditioner. That especially burns me when I’m running low on my fave shampoo and waste it that way. Makes me freakin’ crazy — the same when I do the conditioner first.
Speaking of breakfast, in the days of yore when I ate cereal, I would be so tired that I would put the cereal back in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard. Have you done that? What makes that kind of action worse is when you don’t discover what you’ve done until later that night. That is a huge duh-you-moron moment for me.
Mismatched socks — g/f — once I put on mismatched shoes! Luckily, on my way out the door, I dropped something (a gift from the universe) which caused me to look at my shoes and subsequently SCREAM! I dodged a bullet that day.
Your comment sure did make me smile. Thank so much for stopping by. Hope to see you again.
Yours in pickiness,
Molly
Hi, Me again,
Your last comment reminded me of my Mother-in-law’s wacky stuff.
She use to drive her car with one high heel and one flat heel on. And really, I don’t know what she was thinking this day (actually most days) but she got out of the car and went off walking to her place of work still wearing the odd heels! I’m not sure at what point she realised!
She’s also tried on a pair of eye glasses and turned to my father-in-law and said ‘ hey’ and pretended to poke herself in the eyes not realising there was no glass in the glasses and well, almost blinded herself.
Gosh , there are SOOO many – sadly these are all hereditary 🙁
( Hopefully hubby won’t read this :D)
Hey Lisa:
I’m sure your husband will never read this. 🙂
OMG, if I tried driving with two different heels on, I know that I would step out of the car and fall flat on my face. Being a Jimmy Choo girl, I have some experience with heels (both of the shoe & human kind), but NOT with two different shoes. Seriously, g/f, how could anyone walk down the street that way — or want to be seen that way. Sheesh!
Well, to this day, I’m proud to say I’ve never tried to poke myself in the eye for a laugh. ha ha. What a funny story.
You rock, g/f.
YIP,
Molly
Oh Molly, dear Molly…
I’ve read a few websites but this one takes the cake. It’s like being a fly on the wall listening to you and your readers chew the fat during a virtual coffee clatch.
Thanks for the entertainment and the insight. You ARE all WONDERFUL!!!
I read #5–I was paying attention! And guilty on the Tester. Actually, I was even guiltier once when I realized the lotion I slathered onto my hands was not from the Tester bottle. Oops!
Hey, Charli:
Thanks for stopping by and sharing!
Ha ha. Yeah, I think many of us have probably sampled from the non-tester bottle, which then of course, has no choice but to BECOME a tester bottle!
All best wishes,
Molly