May 01 2011


Published by at 10:27 pm under Lifestyle & Values

Greetings, Cool Peeps:

Aren’t sun umbrellas, or parasols if you will, lovely? They’re so feminine and quaint. Some are works of art in themselves, while some are painted in works of art. Like this famous painting by Georges Seurat.

I’m a big advocate of using sunscreen. My moisturizer has SPF in it, and I do not want the sun’s harmful rays causing damage to my skin, giving me skin cancer, or aging me prematurely.

Swansea, my hometown, is filled with over-tanned, deep-fried peeps who maintain their bronzy look all year round. When they’re not catching rays directly from the sun, they head over to the nearest salon to bake in those coffins with lights that some people call tanning beds. Of course, one of the most egregious offenders is Naomi Hall-Benchley, the She-Devil. She maintains her tan just to look good for the cameras that capture her image regularly for the society columns. She is always posing and always tanning, thus explaining why the girls at the salon call her the “glazed ham.” Oh, am I being catty? I hadn’t noticed. Anyway, I’m never sure what will crack first: her façade or her face. Moving right along . . .

I am a woman who wants to preserve her skin. I’ll do what is necessary. If I have to wear a sun hat, I’ll find a stylish one and put it on my head. (Yes, I’ll risk having hat hair later.) But peeps, are you listening? You will never see me walking down the streets with a sun umbrella. Are you freakin’ kidding me? The only umbrella I will ever use is the kind made to repel raindrops from fallin’ on my head.

If you use a sun umbrella, please forgive my rant. I know they’re perfectly accessible and utilitarian for some peeps, just not yours truly. Listen, I freak out if I see a parasol in my drink. But then again, I’m a wine drinker, so that assault to my sensibilities is a rarity. I’m just not into tiki tikis or mai tais. And, gosh, if a man is into those kinds of drinks, I’m probably not gonna be into him, either. Just sayin’.

Let me get back to Seurat’s painting. You don’t have to be an art expert to notice that the women are wearing bustles. Holy big butt, Batman! There’s a reason these nifty accessories turned at the corner of Obsolescence Lane and No Freakin’ Way, rarely to be seen again. For the same reason you never see advertisements for thigh enhancements. Duh.

Trust me, if there had been a McDonald’s back in the day, no one on the Seine River’s La Grande Jatte would have needed a bustle.

Just because something exists doesn’t mean we should use it. Let me whisper two words in your ear: pocket protector. No, make it three: FREAKIN’ POCKET PROTECTOR. Thought they were dead and buried?

So did I, until I saw three men in one month using them. Then I Googled them. They’re for sale everywhere, alive and well in the digital age.

Unless you’re a card-carrying (and proud of it) spazz, get rid of that stupid piece of plastic you’re putting in your shirt pocket to protect it from those cheap pens you use.

Just as I suggest that women find alternatives for sun umbrellas, I suggest men do the same for pocket protectors. Have you noticed that the men with the most expensive, tailor-made shirts are the least likely to ever wear a pocket protector? Ladies, when have you seen a really hot guy with a pocket protector? Probably the last time you saw oil and water mix.

So peeps, what do you think of sun umbrellas and pocket protectors? What other products in existence do you think should say goodbye to humanity?

See you next week.

Yours in pickiness,


12 responses so far


  1. Stuart Ross McCallumon 01 May 2011 at 11:58 pm

    Hello Molly,

    You never fail to post an interesting blog each week, and today’s is no exception. I couldn’t agree about the suns harmful rays causing premature ageing of the skin. If your aim in life is to win a crocodile look-a-like competition at the age of fifty, melt away, the sun will have you taking home the prize.

    I do have a product that a guy, who has any self-respect should stay well away from, the unsightly elbow patch. They are often seen on bearded men wearing beige cardigans or corduroy blazers—-bad look, very bad look.

    Thank you, Molly 🙂

  2. Mollyon 02 May 2011 at 12:47 am

    Hey Stuart,

    How nice of you to stop by and visit again. OMG! The freakin’ elbow patch. I had a college prof who was hot, but he only wore tweed jackets with suede patches. Students began calling him. “Dr. Patch.” I had a very brief crush on him, but ultimately, I just couldn’t imagine becoming “Mrs. Patch.” Ah, what memories you bring back. YIP, Molly

  3. Janet Leeon 02 May 2011 at 10:59 pm

    Not going to lie Molly, but living in NYC during the winter, I do miss a little serotonin.. and get the seasonal funk (where my mood is under the weather because it’s so overcast and gloomy out). When that happens… I do admit, I love going to the tanning beds. But definitely not when the sun’s out, summer, spring, fall 🙂 I’m good.

    But anyhoo, pocket protectors? This is the first I’ve heard of it. Maybe I haven’t paid attention but I will definitely keep my eye out from now on.

    As for sun umbrellas. hate it! I hate umbrellas in general. Walking down the street, I always get hit with one. I think it does more harm then good. But I might just be saying this because I was traumatized when I was in 1st grade when I kid jabbed me with his umbrella… oh those elementary school-ers can be brutal and fiesty.

    XOXO, till next time Molly, LOVE your blog as usual <3

  4. Mollyon 02 May 2011 at 11:05 pm

    Hey Janet:

    So you’re in my neck of the woods? Ah, yes, I know about those winter blues, but tanning salons freak me out. On a personal level, I want to avoid most of the peeps that go there, namely the She-Devil!

    OMG — I so have been poked with sun umbrellas, too. When it rains, I expect to see umbrellas, and I expect to see ginormous ones on the beach. But do i expect to see peeps walking down the street with them? I think not!

    Thanks so much for visiting me again, g/f. It always brightens my day when you come by. YIP, Molly

  5. Lisaon 03 May 2011 at 12:40 am

    I need some advice Molly. In the near future my husband and I are going overseas. We will be leaving our winter/spring and heading into a summer/fall. Most people I can imagine are going to be bronzed, whether naturally or unnaturally.

    I would rather not arrive looking like I have spent my entire life in a cave. Is it advisable to have a spray tan. I’d rather not go the tanning beds because I think they are linked to cancer.

    What do you think? I am hoping to get loads and loads of photos taken with my g/f but don’t want to crack the lens 😀
    Please advise.

    I don’t think I have seen a pocket protector here but 2 weeks ago at a café, the waiter was walking around with a menu trying to hide the fact that his pen had made such a mess of his shirt. I bet he wished he had one 😀 Maybe they need to be designed more discreetly. Great blog…. once again! Thx

  6. Mollyon 03 May 2011 at 11:55 am

    Hey Lisa:

    Great to hear from you, g/f. It sounds as if you have quite a trip planned for yourself. I don’t know where you are going that everyone will look bronzed, but you don’t need to be tan to fit in anywhere. If you think you are too pale, then just do a little foundation.

    I don’t think you will be cracking any lens, unless you are so freakin’ gorgeous that the camera can’t handle it.

    As for the waiter with the leaky pen, I think the answer is not in discreet pocket protectors, but in buying better pens. YIP, Molly

  7. Martaon 03 May 2011 at 2:37 am

    Hi Molly,

    Great blog again. Aaah I guess I won’t get a sun umbrella I did think they had that sort of old fashioned feminine look oh well, you are probably right.

    Head rugs should be gotten rid off oops sorry guys, I just think you all look better with the natural look. A piece is so very obvious.

    And flowered headbands have to go. Okay I can see it if you were going to a beach party but to the office?

    Do love Georges Seurat though, but you are so right on the bustle thing.

    Once again thank you for your pickiness and insight.
    Love you Molly

  8. Mollyon 03 May 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Hey Marta:

    OMG, are you ever right on the head rugs! If it looks like a rug, why wear it, guys? All people can see is how fake it looks, esp. women? Nothing wrong with a bald man, but slap on that rug and it’s Holy Freakin’ Turn off, Batman!

    I think flowered head bands are before my time, but there is a woman in town who owns an antique store, has hair down to her waist, and wears a different one every day. She is very nice and known in town as “the hippie.” They say everything old is new again, Marta, so I don’t know. Maybe next year you and I will be sporting them, but somehow, I doubt that.

    Thanks so much for stopping by! You rock. YIP, Molly

  9. Sherion 03 May 2011 at 10:51 am

    I am with you on tanning. I am Casper the Ghost White and I love it this way! Tanning beds..uh-un…claustrophobic indeed! Not to mention I would feel like a basting turkey! I will continue to try and prevent skin cancer by using my sun screen !

    Pocket protectors..Ok I do not see the need to keep that pen in the pocket..waiters/waitresses usually have an apron with a pouch?

    Once again Molly, you have brought up some good topics!

  10. Mollyon 03 May 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Hey Sheri:

    So glad to see you again. Right on, Casper girl. It is better to stay pale and care for your skin. Here’s what I don’t get: women tan out of vanity. But when you tan too much, you get freakin’ premature wrinkles and are at risk for skin cancer. Where’s the vanity in that?

    Ha ha! Love your comment about having an apron for pens. Peeps just love to put them in pockets, girlfriend. YIP, Molly

  11. Sammy Suttonon 06 May 2011 at 4:20 am

    Amazingly fun, and delightful. It is a pleasure to visit your Clever Blog! ~smiles~

    Thanks for the giggles,


  12. Mollyon 06 May 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Hey Sammy:

    Thank you for stopping by. I really appreciate seeing your smiling silhouette. Yours in pickiness, Molly

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